Say What You Need To Say

So I'm still delirious from New York. 

I have several posts lined up to talk about my experience; it's going to take a while to get BlogHer out of my system.

The thing is, this trip was obviously so much more than just a fantastic conference. It was a pilgrimage for me. I went with goals and hopes for a boost in courage and not only did I meet and exceed those goals, I am now oozing confidence from all the empowerment. 

I am ridiculously proud of me, but I owe so much to so many for making this trip so utterly epic. I'm probably starting to drive Jenny a little crazy with my repeated emails and offers to become her Chief Stalker Fan Club President. I couldn't have gotten there or back (on a plane!) without Sam, and my roommates kept me sane with hand holding, gut busting laughs and of course the ultimate panic attack quelling tool: Oregon Trail! I also met people I really liked before and can now honestly call them friends. I'll identify many of you in an upcoming post... with pictures :) 

I also need to thank each and everyone of you that has commented on this blog, on Jenny's post, and on twitter. You have given me a gift I can't possibly show enough gratitude for. Your encouragement and happiness for me has lifted me to a place I've never been before. This whole experience is a spiritual awakening for me and I feel uplifted, serene and joyous. I thank you all.

And a special note to friends and strangers that now see me(??) as an inspiration to confront their own fears? You have completely blown my ever-lovin' mind. I have been moved to tears. I wish all of you all the courage you deserve and hope you go-for-it because believe me, it is SO WORTH ALL THE EFFORT. I wish all of you could have the same magical experience that I have had. I am so blessed and want everyone to have this kind of awakening. You all deserve it just as much as I do. So go ahead, BE BRAVE! Do what terrifies you and shout it from the roof tops to be heard! There is something so cathartic about doing that and trust me, people will love you and help you celebrate. There is no greater feeling in the world. Need a hand to hold or a place to shout? Let me know, I'll help you in any way I can. In fact, I may just have to do something big... I'll be paying this feeling forward for the rest of my life. 

The Power of a Dress

Sleeping Sickness

I awoke only to find my lungs empty,
And through the night, so it seems I'm not breathing.
And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be,
And I'm breaking down, I think I'm breaking down.

And I'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me,
Such as living with the uncertainty
That I'll never find the words to say which would completely explain
Just how I'm breaking down

Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead,
But now it's like the night is taking sides
With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be this misery will suffice?

I've become a simple souvenir of someone's kill
And like the sea, I'm constantly changing from calm to ill
Madness fills my heart and soul, as if the great divide could swallow me whole
Oh, how I'm breaking down

Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead,
But now it's like the night is taking up sides
With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be this misery will suffice.

Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Could it be this misery will suffice.

Aside from having a hauntingly beautiful melody, this song has always struck a chord in me. A deep one.

"Could it be this misery will suffice?"

I have felt like that for so long. I have fought a war within myself, desperately trying to gain some control. Small victories suffocated by recurring negativity and belittling from my subconscious. Without any opportunity to gain the upper hand, surely I should just get used to living like this, make do and simply exist.

My decision to go to New York was brave, I know that. It was an "everything else so far has failed, so what do i have to lose" leap that I hoped would be the extreme shock I needed to finally convince myself that I really do have some courageous reserves. There was a part of me though that felt I was still trying to cheat and not do all of work. After-all, I had a travel partner and roommates. I knew that the people at BlogHer would be incredibly supportive and compassionate, so I felt... safe. I was left wondering if you do something that appears brave, yet surround yourself with safety nets, are you really accomplishing much? I was afraid that this too would leave me stuck.

What I wasn't prepared for, was just how powerful my experience with Jenny and her Red Dress would be. Yes, I saw that dress as a symbol of achievement and badge of completion, but I had no idea that it would actually make me feel accomplished.

Meeting Jenny, wearing the dress and being photographed made me feel special and honored and celebrated, but it also made me realize the only reason it was even possible was because *I* made the journey in the first place. Afraid or not, i did it. I reached the summit and the view was magnificent.

I will be forever grateful to Jenny for my Red Dress moment, and her post about that experience is going to become a mantra to me for whenever I waiver. It is a testament to that courage that really is within me.

Friends were there to share and celebrate with me and I have been blown away from the supportive and proud comments on Jenny's post. I've read and re-read every one. It's as though each sentiment and expression of joy is wrapping itself like a bandaid around the bent and blistered neurons in my brain. And I really wasn't expecting that. Neither was my subconscious. It's been like a secret attack from an army i didn't even know I had and I've never felt less alone.

Over the past few days, I've cried many tears of gratitude and immersed myself in the warm comfort of self pride. I really think I have reached the apex and though I know that I still have a long way to go, I can now honestly say that I believe that I can and will get better. Misery won't and should not suffice in my life and I don't need to wait for someone to save me, because I have proven with this trip that I am strong. I am brave.

Thank you to all of my cheerleaders, you continue to fuel my confidence and I love you for that.