That was how someone found this blog last week. A search for "downerville" brought them here. Talk about a sobering moment.
Sadly, I know that I couldn't have possibly disappointed them. Because I am a downer right now. It's why I've been avoiding Twitter. It's why only a handful of people come here to read. My world is horrible right now and this is the place I come to vent, to cry and to unload. It has become a hot bed of misery and depression.
I have no idea when that is going to change either. If anything, it will likely get worse before it gets better. In fact, the worse has already begun. The drug trial my mother was hoping to get into was just closed this week (PLX4032). Her limited treatment options just became even more limited. To make matters worse, it now feels that she's wasted months on that trial, suffering without treatment; all the while, the cancer has been gaining ground.
One step forward, two steps back.
How do you balance a need to be positive with the need to be realistic? I think I'm doing ok in that department, but the dance is growing more complicated and I'm stating to trip over my two left feet.
"OK one more time from the top people! ...5..6..7..8.. and happy thoughts and step ball change and deal with symptoms and lift! Lift! And 1 and 2 and make some plans and 3 and 4 and deal with setba.... STOP! HOLD IT, HOLD IT! Um, Karen you missed that step AGAIN! You need to pay attention! Jeezus, we will never be ready at this rate!"
I'm struggling with focus. Work, housework, juggling mountains of relentless bills with decimally challenged pay cheques, looking after family, managing details and doctors and researching treatments and remembering to shower and trying to look capable; like I'm doing it well and with bravery and grace and courage. But inside I'm a ball of tangled thorny vines and in truth, all of the to-do's are being done marginally at best and some keep getting pushed so far down the list that they fall off into the abyss. And I don't care. And that my friends is scaring me.
The only thing keeping me sane these days is knowing I will be leaving for Toronto in 3 weeks. This Christmas has a lot to live up to. I hope it doesn't implode from the pressure. I can't wait to spend 9 blissful days focusing on what matters most. I'm refusing to worry about any of the noise over Christmas. On December 23rd, Downerville will be closed for much needed refueling and celebration with my family, my heart, my everything.
I just hope I can keep it together until then.