The Hourglass

Lately, I can't help but feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz; in the scene where she's locked in the tower and the Wicked Witch has just turned over the hourglass and told Dorothy she would only live until the sand reached the bottom.

Only I won't be the one that dies. 

It will be my mother. 

And I'm helpless to do anything about it.

The sand falls. 

Yet, unlike Dorothy, there is no one to rescue me and fix my mother. I won't be able to break the spell by smashing the hourglass on the ground. 

And for as much as I want this to all be a dream, it is horribly real.

So I am fumbling and stumbling, trying to figure out a way to cope with the fact that my mother... my best friend and confidant is dying. I grapple with that every day, all the while doing my best to be strong for her; to be a good daughter. I want to be just what she needs. I want to get my part right. 

And still, the sand keeps falling. I can only watch. 

I try to savor and treasure every moment like a gift. Because it is. But to be honest, we spend so much time together doing absolutely nothing and I feel like it's a travesty. It's a crime that I'm not making each moment a polaroid memory to get me through the hard times ahead. I feel like I'm wasting time.

And the sand keeps falling.

There are stories to be written, recipes to glean, truths and secrets to be told in hundreds of photos that until now have sat randomly in two wooden boxes; the kind of place we all suitably leave our memories until we need them; until our hearts are broken. 

There is so much to do somewhere between now and when that last grain of sand finally crushes my soul with it's weight; and yet I can't find the energy or the strength to properly preserve and capture the essence of my mother. Perhaps it is because I know it will be impossible. Perhaps  it is because I know that losing her will forever change me and no matter how hard I try, I won't ever be able to document and archive her being, her hugs... Her.  

For her, I need sit with her and hold her hand so she knows she's not alone. That is important. But for me, for her legacy, I have to do what I can to keep as much of her here as possible; even if it's only on paper. That is important too. Because when the sand is gone and I'm sifting through all the remnants of her life wishing hopelessly for more time, I need to know that I did my best to know all I can about her. She won't be able to answer all of my questions then.

I only have now; I only have this grain of sand. 

This Just Keeps Getting HARDER

One of the hardest things to do after you hear awful news like this, is to tell family and friends about what you now know. You have to share that horrible sticky disgusting news. It's not much different than having to tell someone about a death - the moment you open your mouth, you're going to ruin someone's day and alter their world. When you share what you know, it's like spreading a disease. 

Part of me wants to insulate people from the pain, but I know that like a cold draft, the truth will seep in sooner or later, it's better to do so now. The other half of me just wants to tell every single person in my life as quickly as possible so I don't have to go through the agony of being the bearer of bad news anymore. Stay silently in denial... tell all to all. Neither option is fair or fun and neither will make this situation suck any less or make the cancer go away. 

My brother doesn't know yet. 

My baby brother who lives 2000 km from us. 

My brother who has been pretty much missing in action for a while. He's been pretty hard to get a hold of. I emailed a couple weeks ago and left a message on his phone last week. Still nothing. 

I was going to call again last night, but didn't.  I didn't because I was tired of crying. I needed a break. I felt selfish about doing that, but I did it anyway. 

I came into work this morning to this email from my brother: 

Hey sis!. Sorry you had to come find me.... 

Ya my old cell is gone, ive moved, and i am working again. 

Im really sorry i disappeared. I had a break down of sorts and couldnt deal with anything or anybody, hence no FB. 

Been really depressed since last time I saw you actually, failed to get my photo business going due to my own lack of self confidence and drive to get it going (kane actually has the website ready to go... waiting on me). 

So, I had to rejoin the workforce, Im at the homedepot now on nights 930pm -600 am... really enjoying my time there(7 months now). well see how long the good mood lasts... They like me and want me to move up the ranks.. ...well see, id rather work for myself, but need a safety net incase all goes to shit again.

Im soooooo sorry to have let you guys wonder whatever has happened to me. I love you, mom, grace, and chris, very much, and miss you guys!!

Tearing up here lol..... anyway I thought you guys should know whats up with me. I will send you another message with my phone #, address, etc... after I get some sleep. (just got home from work). 

My phone is pay as I go and cant do long distance, can you please call mum and let her know im ok?, and that im really sorry for not calling here lately. I will as soon as I get a normal phone.

thats it for now... talk soon i hope. Love ya sis

Happy belated bday to you too!

love Mike

Needless to say, this has thrown me into a whole new level of suck. What am I supposed to say to my depressed and fragile brother? How am I supposed to call him now and tell him how terribly sick our mother is? HOW?? It's fucking horrible enough that I can't tell him in person and we can't hug each other and he's GOING TO FUCKING NEED THAT!!! But add to that this news of him being depressed and I am done. I have no clue how to do this! All I want to do is hide in my room and cry but I have to try to be strong for my mom and now I think I have to find extra strength for my brother and I don't know where I'm going to draw that from.