On psychics, skis and comfort

On Facebook two weeks ago, fellow blogger Cecily asked if anyone was interested in getting a psychic reading done by phone. She said: 

Hello dear blogging friends. This is not spam. I swear.

Do you want a free ten minute psychic reading? We'd ask that you blog about it with at least one link, and while you're free to be skeptical we ask that you not be unkind. :D

If you're interested, email me at... Thank you!

So I did, and within minutes, I had everything I needed to get my free reading from the Psychic Source. 

Now, I have been to many psychics. Usually with a group of friends and always in person; certainly never on the phone. I have always left those readings feeling entertained, but the experiences have always proved vague enough to have to "make it fit" into my current situation. That ultimately leaves me with a lingering feeling of regret and annoyance at wasting my money. So needless to say, though looking forward to its 'free-ness' I wasn't expecting to get much from a telephone reading. I went into this with a feeling of skepticism to say the least.  

When I called the number given to me by Cecily, I was surprised by how vast the phone network was. When you call, the menu is set up to take you to a number of account management options and also to another menu where you select the psychic you want to speak with. That part was really cool... I was able to "shop" a bit based on voice and specialty. 

I chose "Julie" fairly quickly. Mostly because she specializes in contact with lost loved ones. Though I'm still really fragile from losing my mom, I saw this as an opportunity to check in with her... assuming this reading wasn't just a bunch of bunk. 

Julie was so nice and had a really welcoming and pleasant demeanor. She asked me my name and also what I wanted to talk about. I hesitated a little.... you don't exactly want to give away too much to a psychic right? The conversation went a little like this: 

Me: Well, your bio mentioned you can contact lost loved ones

Julie: Can I have a first name? 

Me: Joan (crying started...)

Julie: Is this a close friend? 

Me: (feeling disappointment) No, it's my mother. 

Julie: You know I thought that, but you seem really more like friends

Me: (this is true, but I felt it was just an attempt at recovery) Yes we were extremely colse. 

So at this point I'm pretty doubtful this is going to go anywhere. We were only one minute in though, and what happened next quickly blew my mind: 

Julie: She died very recently right?

Me: Yes, December 30th.

Julie: I see she was sick. July. This is an important month correct? 

Me: (thinking.... but coming up blank) 

Julie: This was when she was diagnosed isn't it? 

Me: (OMG) Yes! 

Julie: (this is still only mere moments into our reading) She's showing me a lot of pain in her lower left abdomen

Me: (OMFG) Yes, wow. 

My mom's lymph nodes in her abdomen were brutally infected with cancer - the pain started in her left lower abdomen - just above the groin. This was when we found out my mom's prognosis - that pain was with her until the end. 

Julie: I see a very balanced good bye. No regrets. You and your mother didn't leave anything unsaid. 

Me: (HUGE sobs) that's right. That's the first comfort I had after she passed. I was with her until the end and said I had no regrets. I did everything I could to honour her well toward the end of her life. 

Julie: I see a young girl. Do you have a daughter? 

Me: Yes. 

Julie: Is she about 6? 

Me: She's 4. 

Julie: She seems older 

Me: I'm told that all the time :) 

Julie: I'm seeing the colour orange... it won't be important to you yet though. The importance will be revealed in time...

Julie: You're alone right now? Is no one with you? Where is your husband? You're not divorced are you? I see that you're far away from your friends and family.

Me: Wow. Yes, I am alone. My husband is away working right now. (more crying) And yes, my friends are far away. I have some friends here, but more in Toronto. 

Julie: Oh sweetie, that is so hard for you. You shouldn't be alone. 

Julie: You have a brother correct?

Me: (OMG) Yes

Julie: Your mother is showing me a winter scene... Something with skis. Your brother is there. Something to do with Christmas. 

Me: We were just visiting my brother at Christmas...

Julie: There's a strong image of skis and winter and snow... 

Me: I can't think of what that would mean. My daughter skates, but skis? No.

All through our conversation, Julie kept bringing up the skis. And it just didn't click. Until after our phone call when it dawned on me!! A LONG story short... we, as a family, spent Christmas at the same hotel (The Royal York) that we spent Christmas at in 1979. We did it to make this Christmas extra special and memorable, knowing it would be our last with our mother. It was AMAZING and it was also amazing in 1979 - that year, my mother got my brother and I skis for Christmas. Here's a picture that I had NEVER seen before (it's a slide - who looks at slides?), but found it when I was compiling pictures for my mom's memorial. It's my brother. Look at the SKIS!!!

Chills? Oh my GOD this gives me goosebumps... I'm pretty sure that this was my mom's way of telling me she was communicating with me. 

OK... back to the reading. 

Julie: I see that you're going to be signing some papers in a couple of weeks? Legal stuff? 

Me: Well, I'm listing my house soon... 

Julie: I see that you're going somewhere. A trip. In about two months. You're going to be driving. It's a long trip. Are you moving there?

Me: (OMFG) Yes, we're going to Toronto in April. We'll stay there while my husband is working there. We have a house there.  

Julie: I see really good energy for you in two months.

Me: Will it take a while to sell our house?

Julie: It will take a little while. But I see you moving about 10 weeks after your trip. The new house is close to the one you have though. So close you could walk. I see a river in the back. You need a smaller house, the one you have is too big. 

Me: (OMFG again!) Yes, our house is on a river.We're selling it because it's too big.  

Julie: I see you moving in the fall. I also see you reconnecting. A reunion maybe. Don't deny any social invitations toward the end of summer, this is very important for you.

(I'm thinking BlogHer... Maybe I should but my ticket!!) 

Julie: Your mom wants you to know that she's ok. She's showing me something orange again. Burnt orange. And a bird house or a bird.... perhaps a blue jay. It can take a year for tangible messages to come through... but it could be this spring or maybe September... 

Me: (I have no clue what that could mean, but it's recorded for posterity now!) 

Julie: You need to be a helper of others. This is who you are meant to be in this life. You have teaching qualities. 

Me: (I'm in fundraising. Otherwise, I'm not sure what this means) 

Julie: I'm seeing your daughter again. Your mother loves her and is protecting her. She is surrounded by love and light. Your mother doesn't want you to be in pain. She wants you to know that she isn't in pain. She's no longer suffering. She's also very proud of you. You will have a more balanced life than she did. She is here with you. She wants you to know this is a new beginning for you. 

Julie and I chatted a little more and finished up our conversation. She told me to ask my mother to present herself to me in my dreams that night. So I did that. And I did dream of her. I saw her over my shoulder as I looked in the mirror. She looked worried about me. She waved. I haven't seen her since. 

Overall I'm blown away by my experience. Julie knew so many random details of my life that you just can't guess... I found it difficult to write this... I'm not doing the reading justice at all - there are many other little intricacies that I didn't capture properly. I walked away feeling very overwhelmed and touched and lucky to have had the chance to talk to Julie. I also want to call her again and check in. 

I called as a skeptic, but I can honestly say that was the most incredible and accurate psychic experience I've ever had. 

Thanks Cecily. Thank you Psychic Source. 

Most of all, thank you Julie. I really feel like I had a chance to communicate with my mom. And that is priceless. 

The End is Nigh

Picking up the pieces after losing my mother a mere 42 days ago is proving to have a vast set of challenges. Especially when this immense loss is coupled with the fact that my husband has only been home for 13 of those days and I don't expect that he'll be back until March. I'm facing my grief and balancing temporary single parenthood all while staring down the barrel of the end of my job term - and it doesn't look like my position will be renewed.

I was somewhat anticipating that, but I could do without the addition to my already too full plate. My doctor has been telling me I need to be on stress leave for months. Caring for my mother the last few months and worry over her approaching death were hard on me and my doctor thought it best I take the time to be with her. Because of my job, I didn't; I bitterly regret that. Once she died, and following a doctor visit turned emergency room hospital check for my sky high blood pressure, my doctor stopped taking no for an answer and wrote my a letter to give to my employer instructing I needed to be off for three weeks. At least. That was two weeks ago. It's still in my hand bag.

Being so close to the end of my term (March 31) it seemed that taking time off would do more harm than good. So I've been bottling my stress and burying my grief all so I don't get labeled as a whacko. Because I'm not dammit! I'm just a human being that is overwhelmed and sad because I lost the only parent I've had since I was 6 and my best friend. The one person that really *gets* me; the only person who I know loves me without condition or in spite of myself. There is a gaping crater of a hole in my life where she once was and where she should still be. Because we lived together, my house feels empty and enormous and cold. And sad. And the lousy 5 days berevement leave that by policy should be enough to get past the sadness. It's just not. It doesn't even come fucking close.

But yet I come to work and I put on my brave face and I try. I do it because I feel both responsiblity and obligation, but I'm also dedicated to doing a good job. This project I'm working on has had it's ups and far too many downs to count really, but I've really wanted to make a difference. Sometimes I feel I have, other times I've felt I'm spinning my wheels. Recently I've actually felt a bit like a scapegoat or a lamb being led to the slaughter. I'm the only person in my department so when there is a problem reaching the big picture goal, guess who gets to wear it? Yeah, I'm guessing me too. There are many other facets to this project though that serve as walls rather than obsticles in my position, facets that others are responsible for, and others that are beyond anyone's control, but at the end of the day, I fear that it will just be easier to blame me. So I do what I can, hoping I can succeed or at least finish with dignity and a thank you for a valiant effort.

However, a little bird told me yesterday that my position won't be renewed. I know some of it has to do with budget and some because a new position is being created that can absorb what's left to do (I've known about this for a while, so that part isn't really a surprise). What's sad though, is that I'm not going to be given any notice. My contract is just going to expire. And there's the rub you see... to me, that's just lack of common decency. I have worked hard the last three years and no goodbye or thank you is just insulting.

I stupidly put this job first on my list when my mother was dying and ignored my doctor when she said my health was more important. I did those things because I was dedicated; to my job, to my career, to my community. And now... now, I find out in the end that none of that matters. It's coming down to brass tacks and numbers and blame I suppose. And I guess I just don't matter. I feel that nothing I have accomplished is appreciated and I don't feel valued.

I will bounce back, and I will leave this job with my head held high and know that as I continue to put forward my best effort until March 31st that I am a better person because of it and those who feel I do not deserve the dignity and respect of a couple of weeks notice are the same people who like to throw stones from their glass houses. I have a feeling that others aside from myself see that too. At least I hope so.

And I suppose in about 7 weeks, I'll finally have the chance to breathe and take that needed stress leave.