The awful Thursday before Good Friday
Thursday, April 21, 2011 at 7:53PM I am having a horrible month.
Today is for some reason, especially hard. Perhaps it was the realization that I am here in my home town and for the first time in my entire life, my mother isn't in it with me.
Maybe it's because this is the first Easter without her and I really wanted to have lamb. We always had lamb. But I couldn't find any that looked nice enough, so I got a roast instead and it just feels wrong.
I fought back tears all day while we were out. Now that I'm home, I can't stop crying. My husband seemed.... annoyed with me all afternoon and my child has been obnoxious - ironically not so mch today, but lately it has been far too often.
Sad doesn't begin to describe how I feel. I am still completely lost.
I miss her so much. Every decision, every moment is either very painful or painfully devoid of anything resembling happiness. I wonder when it gets better, but worse, I worry that it won't. I worry that it will always feel like *this* when the greatest emotion I am capable of experiencing is crushing sadness. Everything else is just grey and so impossibly full of effort.
Reader Comments (5)
It will get better - trust me on this. My mum died when I was 19. The first few months were awful. I went on having emotional collapses from time to time for several years but they gradually became fairly rare. They still happen but now it is once every few years, usually due to a confluence of trigger events.
Don't let today's misery become a self-fulfilling prophecy of things to come. I'm sure you can find a way forwards and I'm sure your husband and child are doing their best too.
Would it help if I brought you a leg of lamb?
Oh, my sweet friend. I'm sending you love and hugs and pixie dust. You aren't wrong for feeling like you do. The loss of someone you are so close to is so hard. Perhaps if you took some time to just wallow, with no distractions, guilt, or interruption, you could move past this wave of sadness. As Bob said, things will get better. Be patient and gentle with yourself. xoxo
xo
I'm sorry to hear that.You will be more happy and live lively.
Hi Karen. My name is Susan - I just came across your blog when I did a search for "acral litiginous melanoma." I just wanted to send you some cyber ((HUGS)). My life was touched by this horrible disease, too. My stepkid's mother passed away earlier this year (Feb) from this form of cancer. She was diagnosed in 2007 - it was under the toenail of her left big toe. Despite amputating the toe, it had already spread to her lymph nodes. She survived a little over 3 years after her diagnosis. She was only 47yrs old when she died - my stepdaughter had just celebrated her 19th bday and my stepson was only 13 at the time. They are doing extremely well, despite the cards life has handed them.
Also, when I was 20, my mom died from bone cancer - so I know exactly how lost you feel. I am 42 now and while the days did get easier and easier to get through - my whole life was disrupted. There is nothing like a mother's love and when she dies, it leaves an empty hole in your heart. I still miss her dearly.
I have to say that I read some of your blog and you really seem like a blessing for your mom during her darkest time. I could see the strength you showed her during that time - I know you felt lucky to have her as your mom, but she must have felt so lucky to have you as a daughter, too. :) (probably as lucky as you feel to have your adorable daughter in your life) :) [I have two daughters of my own].
Anyway, feel free to email me - but if you don't, that's okay too. I just wanted to drop you a note to let you know that you are not alone in your grief. ((HUGS))) You are loved by a Texan you never met :)
~Susan