The End is Nigh
Thursday, February 10, 2011 at 7:50AM Picking up the pieces after losing my mother a mere 42 days ago is proving to have a vast set of challenges. Especially when this immense loss is coupled with the fact that my husband has only been home for 13 of those days and I don't expect that he'll be back until March. I'm facing my grief and balancing temporary single parenthood all while staring down the barrel of the end of my job term - and it doesn't look like my position will be renewed.
I was somewhat anticipating that, but I could do without the addition to my already too full plate. My doctor has been telling me I need to be on stress leave for months. Caring for my mother the last few months and worry over her approaching death were hard on me and my doctor thought it best I take the time to be with her. Because of my job, I didn't; I bitterly regret that. Once she died, and following a doctor visit turned emergency room hospital check for my sky high blood pressure, my doctor stopped taking no for an answer and wrote my a letter to give to my employer instructing I needed to be off for three weeks. At least. That was two weeks ago. It's still in my hand bag.
Being so close to the end of my term (March 31) it seemed that taking time off would do more harm than good. So I've been bottling my stress and burying my grief all so I don't get labeled as a whacko. Because I'm not dammit! I'm just a human being that is overwhelmed and sad because I lost the only parent I've had since I was 6 and my best friend. The one person that really *gets* me; the only person who I know loves me without condition or in spite of myself. There is a gaping crater of a hole in my life where she once was and where she should still be. Because we lived together, my house feels empty and enormous and cold. And sad. And the lousy 5 days berevement leave that by policy should be enough to get past the sadness. It's just not. It doesn't even come fucking close.
But yet I come to work and I put on my brave face and I try. I do it because I feel both responsiblity and obligation, but I'm also dedicated to doing a good job. This project I'm working on has had it's ups and far too many downs to count really, but I've really wanted to make a difference. Sometimes I feel I have, other times I've felt I'm spinning my wheels. Recently I've actually felt a bit like a scapegoat or a lamb being led to the slaughter. I'm the only person in my department so when there is a problem reaching the big picture goal, guess who gets to wear it? Yeah, I'm guessing me too. There are many other facets to this project though that serve as walls rather than obsticles in my position, facets that others are responsible for, and others that are beyond anyone's control, but at the end of the day, I fear that it will just be easier to blame me. So I do what I can, hoping I can succeed or at least finish with dignity and a thank you for a valiant effort.
However, a little bird told me yesterday that my position won't be renewed. I know some of it has to do with budget and some because a new position is being created that can absorb what's left to do (I've known about this for a while, so that part isn't really a surprise). What's sad though, is that I'm not going to be given any notice. My contract is just going to expire. And there's the rub you see... to me, that's just lack of common decency. I have worked hard the last three years and no goodbye or thank you is just insulting.
I stupidly put this job first on my list when my mother was dying and ignored my doctor when she said my health was more important. I did those things because I was dedicated; to my job, to my career, to my community. And now... now, I find out in the end that none of that matters. It's coming down to brass tacks and numbers and blame I suppose. And I guess I just don't matter. I feel that nothing I have accomplished is appreciated and I don't feel valued.
I will bounce back, and I will leave this job with my head held high and know that as I continue to put forward my best effort until March 31st that I am a better person because of it and those who feel I do not deserve the dignity and respect of a couple of weeks notice are the same people who like to throw stones from their glass houses. I have a feeling that others aside from myself see that too. At least I hope so.
And I suppose in about 7 weeks, I'll finally have the chance to breathe and take that needed stress leave.
Reader Comments (1)
I'm constantly stunned at employers and how they talk about work-life balance but when it comes to real life, the employee just becomes a number on the payroll. Contractors get it worse. I was one for six years and what did I get at the end of my term? Nada. Living without insurance, security, or vacation pay for six years wore me to a nub. Sprained my back and was put on six weeks leave by doctor, employer said 'you're back in a week or your job is gone'. Worked in excruciating pain so I could pay rent. Awesome. My pain had an antidote, yours... I wish I had something for you. I really do. Look at me babbling, I'll stop hijacking. I just wanted you to know I was here (and listening).