My mother, my hero.
Sunday, January 2, 2011 at 11:06AM The last couple of weeks have been the most special, beautiful and horrific days of my life.
My beautiful and brave mother lost her battle with cancer on December 30th. I will never be the same; I am broken.
I'm very proud and comforted that we all made it to Toronto and fulfilled my mother's dying desire to spend this Christmas with her family. She was so brave and all but forced herself to survive the holidays.
She was able to take my daughter to the ballet, spend time with family and best friends. It was almost perfect. The only thing that put a damper on the holiday was the fact she was so very sick. She was happy to be surrouned by love though.
The oncology appointment confirmed our worst fears. She would not qualify for trials and she was too weak for any treatment. She was encouraged to go home to be with family. So I took her home early.
Our flight left at 8am on Thursday morning. I arranged for paramedics to meet us at the airport for transfer to the hospital, on advice of paliative care. What a good idea that proved to be. My mother was very confused and not strong enough to endure the 2 hour plane ride and then a 2 hour drive in a car.
The doctor at the hospital told me he'd keep her comfortable and that it would not be much longer. He guessed about a week. She died at 11:45 that night.
I am grateful that I could hold her hand while she passed. I'm glad she wasn't alone. Moments before her last breath, I told her she didn't need to be afraid (she was extremely restless), I told her that she was the bravest woman I'd ever known... that she did a great job over Christmas and I thanked her for that. I told her that I was proud to be her daughter and that she didn't need to fight anymore if she didn't want to. "I'll be ok" I said. I'll make sure Michael is ok. I told her we all loved her. She settled while I talked to her. I told that to the nurse as she came in to give my mom more morphine. She took a few soft and gentle breaths and then she was gone.
And I have been a mess ever since.
I'm grappling with this loss and I miss my mom terribly. I ache for her. I don't know how to exist without her here.
Reader Comments (14)
This brought me to tears, as it reminded me of my grandfather's passing. There are no words and it is so hard to keep going, but what you told your mother is all true. Her love made you the strong woman you are today, and will sustain you in the future. So, so sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.
So many hugs and healing thoughts your way.
Karen, you've been through so much the past few months and weeks - and days. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you - and listening as you need to talk about whatever you are thinking or feeling. xoxo
You did everything perfectly, hon. I lost my mom in February and looking up at the stars helps me - both to remember her and to feel that she hasn't left me, that she's there, somewhere, smiling gently and shaking her head at some of the messes I get myself in. Maybe something in nature - the sea, the river, the sky - will help you feel more in touch.
Bless you,honey. Love and light to you.
What a beautiful post. I can only hope I can survive with as much grace as you did when my mother's time comes. xoxo
This Too Shall Pass
If I can endure for this minute
Whatever is happening to me,
No matter how heavy my heart is
Or how dark the moment may be-
If I can remain calm and quiet
With all the world crashing about me,
Secure in the knowledge God loves me
When everyone else seems to doubt me-
If I can but keep on believing
What I know in my heart to be true,
That darkness will fade with the morning
And that this will pass away, too-
Then nothing in life can defeat me
For as long as this knowledge remains
I can suffer whatever is happening
For I know God will break all of the chains
That are binding me tight in the darkness
And trying to fill me with fear-
For there is no night without dawning
And I know that my morning is near.
...Helen Steiner Rice
So sorry to hear about your mom. I have never lost anyone close and losing my mom one day, hopefully a long time away, scares me so much as I too do not know how I would exist without her. It's my mom I go to when I am sad, when I am happy, when I need anything at all including advice. She is always there no matter what and I know one day she will not be there.
Cry your eyes out and then cry some more and when some time has passed, maybe you will cry less and smile more when you think about your mom.
I love you Karen. I am so proud of you for the strength you have shown through this difficult time. You are an amazing woman; loving, kind and so very generous. I thank your mother for giving me such a great friend. It's because of her that you are who you are today.
I am so very sorry for you loss. There are no words to make this time better, but please know you're always in my thoughts. You, Chris, Grace and your family.
Sam
xo
All my love to you... xo
Such a lovely tribute to the last brave days of your mother's life. I'm glad you all got to spend the holidays with her and you were by her side. My deepest condolences for your loss.
I am so, so sorry.
I am so very sorry for your loss.
This absolutely breaks my heart. So very, very sorry for your loss.
My heart goes out to you. I went through the same thing with my father. So sad. xo
It does get easier as the days pass. One minute you are ok and the next without warning, a mass ot tears. The gap between those extremes lengthens as the days go by.