This is all too much.
Thursday, September 9, 2010 at 8:03AM I started this post on August 19th.
So. Getting back into the swing of things after vacation always sucks. I've been home a week now and I'm close to getting back to normal. Normal is a drag. Normal is an effort. I'm not too thrilled with my routine anymore. I seem to sit back and stare blankly at my to-list. It's as if I'm hoping things will just *do* themselves... the laundry, unpacking, the sorting, the endless monotony of life and bills and dishes and even brushing of teeth. Apparently tweeting and blogging are an effort now too. It's easier to daydream.... Time to shake things up a bit, obviously. I need to forge ahead and continue confronting and working through the rest of my sticking points too. I'm so scared to lose all the braveness I've so recently acquired.
And then I almost completely quit the internet. Not like a social media suicide or anything... things just became so shitty and I suddenly had little to no desire to be anywhere near the inside of my head or anyone else's.
Work is becoming... well, lets just say my job is kinda hard right now.
Stress is mounting over bills and what not. I'm suffering a little post NYC trip guilt. How is that even fair? I needed that trip. For my mental health. And it was so very awesome. Feeling bad about spending the money on something that big is just shit-tastic.
And then there's the cancer.
The stupid fucking cancer that is suffocating me and forcing stark images into my consciousness... scenarios of what my life might be like without my mother. My mother is my only parent and she is also my friend. My mother is such a huge part of my life and I am scared to lose her. I'm scared for her; I don't want her to be sick. She's only 66. This just isn't fair. The whole mess also has me contemplating my own mortality... which is weird, because as an agoraphobic, I already think about that every day anyway. Seriously.
The cancer update...
August 18th appointment with the surgeon: the tumor is gone but the margin isn't wide enough. It was also very deep. More surgery and biopsies to come. Time for referral to an oncologist.
August 25th: My mom complains she may have a bladder infection. Urine is collected. Negative. Appointment set for Monday.
August 30th: Dr. tells my mom that "this cancer likes to spread". Dr. unsure of what the next step is since the oncologist hasn't called yet. Prescribes pain meds for the swelling nodes in her abdomen.
September 7: Finally, an appointment with an oncologist. Confirmation that nodes are swollen in groin. A syringe is inserted to draw fluid. If the nodes are diseased, they will come out. CT scan pending ASAP, surgery is discussed - dye test in nodes, then surgery to remove the additional tissue, skin graft to close the wound, removal of any bad nodes from the dye test and a projected 3 months off the foot <-- entirely.
So for now we at least feel like something is happening. We won't know staging or any kind of prognosis until we know if the lymph nodes are involved or not. So we wait. We wait for a surgery slot to come available.
I need to simplify my life right now. I need to scale it all back, because it's all too much.
I'm cutting my reader to no more than 20 blogs.
I'm resigning from community volunteer positions.
I'm going to be on-line less, though I do plan to write here far more often.
I'm going to spend more time with my family. I'm going to be more present with my daughter (I was so caught up in the ridiculous details of her birthday party on Sunday that I didn't have time to take pictures. I managed to pop off about 4 with her and her cake during "happy birthday" but that's it. It made me cry. I wanted to write something poignant for her... I have yet to make the time and it's killing me that I haven't.) ::Sigh::
I've written a personal mission statement and I'm going to stick to what's written there and stop getting lost in the clouds of pining possibility and wanton want over all the other stuff. I don't need all that stuff.
I need my family, I need my home, my passions and I need peace.
All the other clutter, noise, baubles and distractions can wait until my life can afford the luxury of being careless, frivolous and unfocused. That of course may never happen. And I'm OK with that.
Reader Comments (7)
K,
Whatever I can do. Even if it's just sitting in the bank parking lot talking about the kids.
Be well.
Woah. I am so sorry that all this is happening and wish I knew the magic thing to say. Your mental health is so important and I'm sending all the virtual help that I got.
Sending you lots and lots of love and strength Karen! <3
Huddle down. Take care.
Sorry you're going through this. The waiting for results is absolutely the hardest part. I had about 8 nodes removed from my upper thigh after the dye test (the nuclear dye was by far the most painful of everything, to be honest). Hang in there, be strong, let her see you cry though. It's going to be ok. xo
I'm so sorry that your family is going through this. It's so complicated. Take the time you need to stay sane, and try not to feel guilty about it (ha!).
xo
I'm so glad you had a few days to escape to NYC. Because it sounds like you need a few more escapes, even if it's just a parking lot with Jess. Seriously shitty stuff. Thinking of you.