The Power of a Dress
Wednesday, August 11, 2010 at 10:17AM
Sleeping Sickness
I awoke only to find my lungs empty,
And through the night, so it seems I'm not breathing.
And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be,
And I'm breaking down, I think I'm breaking down.
And I'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me,
Such as living with the uncertainty
That I'll never find the words to say which would completely explain
Just how I'm breaking down
Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead,
But now it's like the night is taking sides
With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be this misery will suffice?
I've become a simple souvenir of someone's kill
And like the sea, I'm constantly changing from calm to ill
Madness fills my heart and soul, as if the great divide could swallow me whole
Oh, how I'm breaking down
Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead,
But now it's like the night is taking up sides
With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be this misery will suffice.
Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Could it be this misery will suffice.
Aside from having a hauntingly beautiful melody, this song has always struck a chord in me. A deep one.
"Could it be this misery will suffice?"
I have felt like that for so long. I have fought a war within myself, desperately trying to gain some control. Small victories suffocated by recurring negativity and belittling from my subconscious. Without any opportunity to gain the upper hand, surely I should just get used to living like this, make do and simply exist.
My decision to go to New York was brave, I know that. It was an "everything else so far has failed, so what do i have to lose" leap that I hoped would be the extreme shock I needed to finally convince myself that I really do have some courageous reserves. There was a part of me though that felt I was still trying to cheat and not do all of work. After-all, I had a travel partner and roommates. I knew that the people at BlogHer would be incredibly supportive and compassionate, so I felt... safe. I was left wondering if you do something that appears brave, yet surround yourself with safety nets, are you really accomplishing much? I was afraid that this too would leave me stuck.
What I wasn't prepared for, was just how powerful my experience with Jenny and her Red Dress would be. Yes, I saw that dress as a symbol of achievement and badge of completion, but I had no idea that it would actually make me feel accomplished.
Meeting Jenny, wearing the dress and being photographed made me feel special and honored and celebrated, but it also made me realize the only reason it was even possible was because *I* made the journey in the first place. Afraid or not, i did it. I reached the summit and the view was magnificent.
I will be forever grateful to Jenny for my Red Dress moment, and her post about that experience is going to become a mantra to me for whenever I waiver. It is a testament to that courage that really is within me.
Friends were there to share and celebrate with me and I have been blown away from the supportive and proud comments on Jenny's post. I've read and re-read every one. It's as though each sentiment and expression of joy is wrapping itself like a bandaid around the bent and blistered neurons in my brain. And I really wasn't expecting that. Neither was my subconscious. It's been like a secret attack from an army i didn't even know I had and I've never felt less alone.
Over the past few days, I've cried many tears of gratitude and immersed myself in the warm comfort of self pride. I really think I have reached the apex and though I know that I still have a long way to go, I can now honestly say that I believe that I can and will get better. Misery won't and should not suffice in my life and I don't need to wait for someone to save me, because I have proven with this trip that I am strong. I am brave.
Thank you to all of my cheerleaders, you continue to fuel my confidence and I love you for that.
Reader Comments (6)
Karen - I adore you. I enjoyed every minute of your company this past weekend and am so proud of you. I hope that our paths cross again in real life. Lots of love. You are awesome.
"...the only reason it was even possible was because *I* made the journey in the first place. Afraid or not, i did it. I reached the summit and the view was magnificent."
Amazing. Simply amazing. <3
I cried reading Jenny's post: after reading your... back story, if you will, I'm crying all over again. On top of being able to tell you that you're beautiful, I can say that I'm proud of you for being so brave with ALL of this. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
As I told you on Twitter, your story has given me inspiration. I have someone to emulate, in that you proved that it can be done - facing something terrifying, and coming out better and happier for it. I cried when I read Jenny's original post. Again, when I read her update with your gorgeous pictures. And yet again when I read your "side of the story". Thank you, a million times.
Jenny's post is heart-warming and inspiring and empowering. Yours is raw, touching, honest and beautiful. At once fragile and powerful. You SHOULD be proud of yourself.
Reading your experience makes me ashamed of my whining about "oh how I am scared of meeting strangers..." I am going to shut up about that from this second. None of what I thought I have experienced was as nerve-wrecking and as scary as what you were able to power through. You showed the world what you can do. You showed yourself. As I said over there, you rock!
You gave me goosebumps. Again.
Thank you, my friend. You gave me a better present than I did you.
You are amazing and you inspire me in ways you can't even imagine.
Hugs and love from your fellow Canuck roomie.
xoxoxo