Saying Goodbye
Friday, June 11, 2010 at 8:35AM Saying goodbye is hard.
But sometimes... it shouldn't be.
Sometimes, saying goodbye can be cathartic and therapeutic. It may need to be as well.
When I turned thirty, my candles were blown out with wishes, fantasies and dreams of accomplishing preconceived and commonly accepted milestones. I didn't have a clue who I was, or an inkling of where to go and felt a great deal of guilt and shame because of it.
Thirty is supposed to be put together.
Thirty is supposed to be comfortable and confident.
I wanted that. I wanted to be the smart, confident and sexy woman of the world that would chew through my dirty thirties with wild abandon and unapologetic attitude.
Instead though, Thirty moved in and made me feel horrible about myself. Thirty was a rude and callous bitch that took pleasure in pointing out my inadequacies. When I was happily in love, she reminded me I was divorced at 28. As I celebrated a great new job, she sneered something about luck and prattled on about me never finishing school, so this would probably be the ceiling for me.
I tried fighting the pressure Thirty was putting on me. If it were just the two of us I may have stood a chance, but Thirty-one and Thirty-two soon joined the party and were equally spiteful. I was soon suffocated by anxiety and panic and my world was becoming increasingly smaller because I was so very afraid; of everything.
Thirty and all nine of her nasty, bitchy, snotty, sorority sisters have put me through the ringer. Granted, Thirty-three cheered me on a little when I moved to Nova Scotia and Thirty-six did give me my daughter, but aside from those precious gifts? The thirties have been nothing more than a bunch of backstabbing, unsupportive douche bags. The Thirties, for the most part gobbled up what was left of my youth and didn't encourage me to revel in much of it. Taking joy in letting me know I was squandering time and laughing at me while implying that maybe I just didn't deserve any of it anyway. Instead of living life to the fullest, I've spent the last ten years trying to live up to the Thirties' expectations of me. I'm tried of trying to fit in with them. I'm done.
What the sisters don't know is that I've been brooding. For the last few years, I've been stowing away seeds of courage and self empowerment. Too involved in themselves to notice, they've missed me growing back all they have robbed from me. The roots of self esteem are taking hold now. I've done all of it on my own and I am proud.
So tonight, as the thirties pack up all of their baggage and leave my life forever, I'll be at the door with my boots on and the door wide open. I'm going to give back all the crappy and poorly wrapped gift baskets full of regrets, empty promises and confidence cancers they have given me over the years and I plan on telling them what lousy, abusive guests they have been. I must give Thirty-nine some credit; she tried her hardest this year to make my co-dependant self feel sad desperation about her departure. It almost worked, but she underestimated my strength.
Tonight, I'm telling the Thirties that they're not welcome anymore and that I'm glad they're leaving. Most importantly, I can't wait to tell them that Forty arrives tomorrow. And that she's already offered to help me clean up their mess and help transplant those seedlings of change into my future. Forty is coming without expectations or pretention, but she's filling me with a hope and excitement I haven't had in a very long time.
Goodbye Thirties. Goodbye, goodbye and goodbye a thousand times over. I'm going to live my life now and I couldn’t be happier.
40 in All about me, Character flaws , Fearless, lessons, project 99
Reader Comments (5)
Sounds like my twenties. :P My thirties have been great so far-the break up even, if a GOOD thing.
Life is bumpy. Happy birthday lady. :D
WELCOME TO THE 40S!!! You're gonna love it. The 20s were a joke and the 30s were just a warm up. The 40s are where all the fun REALLY begins. Happy happy happy birthday, my dear. ^_^
WOOT! That's an awesome attitude - can I borrow it next April?
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