Project 99
Friday, March 5, 2010 at 5:07PM I've had an idea for a project, a blog project... for about 9 months.
I've had the launch date marked on my calendar for 6. That date is today. I can't believe it's here already.
Even though the plans for this project have swirled in my head all these months, I've deftly managed to put off preparing for it. Heh, typical. But I am proceeding! Flying by the seat of my pants. As per usual.
June 12, 2010 - 99 days from today - marks a big birthday for me... 40.
Until now, I've never been one to wax nostalgic or lose sleep over birthdays (if anything they've been nothing more that a good excuse to have a party!) After all, it's only another day and life should be marked by more than time surely. Much to my chagrin however, saying goodbye to my thirties is feeling a little LOT different.
40 feels a bit like the end of real youth. Sure we can all do things to look and feel great as we get older, but there really does come a moment when the fabric of time loses its elasticity. The boundless possibilities and energy of youth gradually wane and give way instead to obligatory sensibility and routine.
I realize its all part of a necessary process and I'm ok with that. I really don't have some Peter Pan phobia of getting older. I just can't shake the feeling that I kind of blew my youth; squandered it. At 39 I feel just like I did countless times in school, trying to come up with the perfect excuse for why I didn't do my homework. Sure intention was there, but here I am on the precipice of the other side of "the hill" with the stark realization that time has expired on many of those intentions. My missed opportunities and woulda, coulda, shouldas are taunting me.
I shouldn't have to think REALLY HARD about all the great things I've done with my life... actually completed and done well, but sadly I find myself doing just that.
We all have that favorite pair of jeans; our oldest, most comfortable pair. We wear them into the ground and regardless of holes and frayed seams, they feel better with every wash and wear; they become a second skin. In my mind I feel like I should feel the same way about my life right now. As I bid farewell to youth and fertility, I want to embrace the next era to come feeling more comfortable in my skin than I ever have.
But I don't.
Instead of seeing the holes and frayed seams as battle scars and honour badges, the flaws fill my heart with remorse, loss and even a bit of shame. I should be settling down into the comfort of a very adult life, admiring all of my accomplishments and achievements while counting blessings and reminiscing over a youth well played.
But I'm not.
So that's where my little project comes in. It's a lot existential and a little narcissistic I suppose, but it's time I picked up a needle and thread and sew up some of those regrets.
The posts over next 99 days will be meant to find the little things to celebrate and help me see the value in myself. I have accomplishments. They may not be award winning, but they're mine and deserve my approval. I'm also going to say final farewells to some nasty demons. It's time. I'm tired of them holding me back while my life passes me by.
Like any good project, it has a name: Project 99. (So named to be a reflection of my twitter handle, but that's another post) I also have a goal: I don't want yet another year, or decade to pass wondering where all the time has gone. I don't want to miss out on enjoying the things I've done and will do, or worse, feel as though I've not accomplished anything truly worthwhile.
I don't know how often I'll post over the next 99 days. Maybe it will be every day (WHO am I kidding?) maybe only once a week. Ultimately though, at the end of my journey, my hope is not only for 40 to be the new 30, I'm hoping 40 will be the new me and I'm hoping I feel more comfortable being me than I ever have; holes and all.
Reader Comments (6)
That's a great idea. And good choice on 99 days rather than 69 days. I'm just sayin'. (I know, I'm a 12-year-old boy in the body of a woman FOUR times as old.)
I know that feeling. I am in my 35th year, and as happened in my 28th and 21st, a huge shift is happening, so much so, that until I typed '35th' I hadn't twigged it was the 7 year cycle that people warn us about. God I am such a dumbass at times. But I am all for 'a-ha!' moments.
I feel like life is whizzing past at a rapid rate, with little or nothing to show for it at the moment. I am trying to find where I am, where I fit, the easiest way I can describe it - my skin doesn't fit at the moment.
I love my life, I do, I just feel a little lost here - any compass and map to point me on the way is grabbed hold of with both hands while I try to make sense of it. I find solace and joy in Bikram Yoga, pushing and stretching my body daily, I love going for walks and breathing in the scent of trees and flowers as I walk past them. Every day I try to find 5 things to be grateful for and celebrate, but they are always things I notice around me. Perhaps I too should look inside and find the me-ness to celebrate?
Bon Voyage on your journey!
Life can slap us in the face sometimes and ask "what have you done with me?" These last couple of years I've thrown myself into trying to answer back. For the first time, in a long time, I wrote a list that I'm actually looking forward to completing.
I'm sure you will find comfort, joy, and pleasure in your "holes."
Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha
I can't wait to see what you write for us. This is a great idea and I hope it helps you feel more comfortable with your 40s!
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