Maybe it's time to stop swimming upstream?
Tuesday, February 16, 2010 at 7:05AM One of my biggest problems as a kid was internalizing my feelings.
Actually, more than that, it was probably a bit lot of denial. I was convinced that just ignoring my problems would just make them go away. I became adept at turning a blind eye to save me from that awful feeling of worry. Worry and stress feel awful. Getting my mind off of those feelings and on to something fun and happy was always better.
Problem is, as I grew up that internalizing, (really out and out blocking of bad feelings), caused me to develop a severe anxiety disorder, a bad relationship with food, it also strained friendships because I preferred to hide when things got rough, and I started a lifelong habit of procrastinating.
But hey, I sure knew how to have a good time!
Now that I've been an adult for a while.... (I'm going to be 40 in 115 days people) I manage stress and worry much better. I now try to face the uncomfortable head on and sooner rather than later. I don't let things get out of control before I ask for help. I cope. I manage. I deal. I no longer feel the need to hide.
Well, almost.
Though I no longer have 'walls' built up to protect me, there is still this... veil, a veneer I keep between myself and everyone else. Even here. Even with myself! It's why I struggle with writing with any sort of frequency. It's a paradox really, because anyone who knows me would say that I'm outgoing, confident, open and laidback. My gregarious and precocious daughter is often told she's just like her mommy. In reality, there's something holding me back. It's not that I'm not outgoing, fun and happy. I am all of those things, it's all very authentic. But I'm tired of feeling that I can't also be scared, unsure, sad, shy and a little nervous sometimes. As a child, to protect myself from hurt, I learned the defense of pushing past negative emotions. The casualty of those actions however has left me with a distain for a broad spectrum of emotions and an inability to allow myself to experience them without beating myself up for it. Ironically, I don't feel that way about others. In fact, I greatly admire people who can be brutally honest with themselves and write about their challenges so beautifully, honestly and fearlessly.
When I started this blog I was unsure of what I wanted it to become. In my mind though, I was sure I didn't want this to be a heady place or a dumping ground for raw emotions. I wanted it to be fun, silly, sarcastic, humorous and entertaining. I wanted it to be a reflection of that side of me. It's the side of me I like. It's the side of me that makes all my friends for me and gets me invited to the cool parties. What's happening though is far different from what I expected; for each time I try to write about something light, I get stuck; painfully stuck.
And every time I decide to write about the tough stuff?....It flows like a river.
Reader Comments (5)
I think there is something to be said for depth and emotions in a blog. My blog started out funny because, like you, that is the part of my I wanted reflected in it. Over time, it evolved and gave me an outlet for deeper issues, thoughts, revelations, etc. There is still room for light and entertaining, but like you, it doesn't flow as easily. Eventually, I surrendered to myself and I enjoy writing it much more.
Maybe this is the outlet you need for your some depth and exposure to complement the light and sarcastic in your life?
Thanks for your comment. I think you're right... I have a feeling this blog will be whatever I need it to be even if it's not intentional. My goal everyday for the next week will be to start a post without thinking about it first. I'm finding saying whatever comes to mind is better for me. And also enlightening!
I have struggled with the same issues. If you look at my archives, most of my posts were light and funny, and then when life took a turn, I started writing serious. Some readers left, some didn't, some new ones showed up. But when it comes down to it, who really cares? You gotta be you.
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