This Just Keeps Getting HARDER

One of the hardest things to do after you hear awful news like this, is to tell family and friends about what you now know. You have to share that horrible sticky disgusting news. It's not much different than having to tell someone about a death - the moment you open your mouth, you're going to ruin someone's day and alter their world. When you share what you know, it's like spreading a disease. 

Part of me wants to insulate people from the pain, but I know that like a cold draft, the truth will seep in sooner or later, it's better to do so now. The other half of me just wants to tell every single person in my life as quickly as possible so I don't have to go through the agony of being the bearer of bad news anymore. Stay silently in denial... tell all to all. Neither option is fair or fun and neither will make this situation suck any less or make the cancer go away. 

My brother doesn't know yet. 

My baby brother who lives 2000 km from us. 

My brother who has been pretty much missing in action for a while. He's been pretty hard to get a hold of. I emailed a couple weeks ago and left a message on his phone last week. Still nothing. 

I was going to call again last night, but didn't.  I didn't because I was tired of crying. I needed a break. I felt selfish about doing that, but I did it anyway. 

I came into work this morning to this email from my brother: 

Hey sis!. Sorry you had to come find me.... 

Ya my old cell is gone, ive moved, and i am working again. 

Im really sorry i disappeared. I had a break down of sorts and couldnt deal with anything or anybody, hence no FB. 

Been really depressed since last time I saw you actually, failed to get my photo business going due to my own lack of self confidence and drive to get it going (kane actually has the website ready to go... waiting on me). 

So, I had to rejoin the workforce, Im at the homedepot now on nights 930pm -600 am... really enjoying my time there(7 months now). well see how long the good mood lasts... They like me and want me to move up the ranks.. ...well see, id rather work for myself, but need a safety net incase all goes to shit again.

Im soooooo sorry to have let you guys wonder whatever has happened to me. I love you, mom, grace, and chris, very much, and miss you guys!!

Tearing up here lol..... anyway I thought you guys should know whats up with me. I will send you another message with my phone #, address, etc... after I get some sleep. (just got home from work). 

My phone is pay as I go and cant do long distance, can you please call mum and let her know im ok?, and that im really sorry for not calling here lately. I will as soon as I get a normal phone.

thats it for now... talk soon i hope. Love ya sis

Happy belated bday to you too!

love Mike

Needless to say, this has thrown me into a whole new level of suck. What am I supposed to say to my depressed and fragile brother? How am I supposed to call him now and tell him how terribly sick our mother is? HOW?? It's fucking horrible enough that I can't tell him in person and we can't hug each other and he's GOING TO FUCKING NEED THAT!!! But add to that this news of him being depressed and I am done. I have no clue how to do this! All I want to do is hide in my room and cry but I have to try to be strong for my mom and now I think I have to find extra strength for my brother and I don't know where I'm going to draw that from. 

Comments

[briya]

I have no words. Just tears. And support. If you need it. ::hugs::

[Jess]

Oh, K. I am so sorry. He needs to know quickly, so he can save up money to come home. It's a hellish thing to have to tell someone.
Thinking of you, honey.

[Lauren]

Oh dude, that's tough. You need to tell him. How? I have no idea. I'm sorry your family has to go through this. FUCK YOU, CANCER. *HUGS* (hugging you, not cancer.)

[Mary]

That's tough. Do you know anyone who lives near where he is? Maybe they could go and be with him while you tell him? I'm here if you need anything.

[katie]

Oh wow, I wish you could just catch a break of some sort, something, anything. I'm so sorry and I'm sending you strength for when you able to tell him.