I Wasn't Raped Once.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009 at 2:28PM Now that I work 9-5, I don’t see The View anymore. Yesterday, I learned through brave posts by my friend Nic about Whoopi’s dismissive remarks of Polanski’s charges. Nic is a very courageous rape survivor and I support her and everything she’s written about this 100%. Written here is my account of what it’s like to not be raped. Just so maybe we can get a sense of what Whoopi was getting at… Call me devil’s advocate.
I wasn’t raped once.
I also wasn’t molested at nine either. Well, not molested, molested anyway.
I was lucky. I got away.
On not being molested, molested:
He was someone I should have been able to trust; the father of my babysitter. He lived at the top of my street. He was a father of 9 kids. Grandfather too.
That summer day when he ‘stumbled across’ my friends and I playing in a wooded area near our homes, he was with his youngest son and I wasn’t afraid. He was nice. He was very friendly. He offered me a boost up to the branch we were all trying to swing from. I innocently accepted. His idea of a boost was different than mine.
I still remember the feeling of his entire palm and gruff fingers on my crotch. I was wearing flimsy little shorts that day.
I was instantly uncomfortable. I also remember feeling bad for feeling that way.
He’s a grown up and he’s not a stranger. Surely, it was an innocent accident.
I sheepishly allowed him to give me another boost up when my turn came around again, hoping he’d pick me up under my arms like I expected the first time. I was wrong. And this time I felt he lingered. I kicked his hand away and went home.
I still felt guilty about feeling violated. I was only nine; I didn’t have the words to explain what happened. So I kept my mouth shut. Besides, even if I did say something, it’s not like he actually did anything. Right? Right, Whoopi? Surely there’s no charge to file against a man who touched a clothed 9yo crotch while helping her climb a tree? Plus I knew him, it was broad daylight, there were other kids around, it could have been an accident, I.let.him.do.it.twice.
I soon found out it wasn’t an accident. The stalking over the next 5 years proved it wasn’t at all an accident.
When I was 10, I got a paper route. One morning at about 5am while collecting and sorting my papers, I saw him out walking… with his 2yo grand daughter. I know now that she was a decoy. He crossed the street to talk to me. “Hello” quickly turned into “I’ve missed you”, and a bold as balls offer of money, candy and more playing in the woods whenever I wanted to. Terrified, I said no, ran like hell and quit my paper route the next day. I still didn’t tell anyone.
For the next few summers he’d ride his bike around our block over and over again and slow down and stare as my friend and I played out in the front yard. He did this almost every day. It didn’t matter if we were playing with Barbies or were splashing on my friend’s Slip ‘n Slide. I started playing elsewhere. I still told no one. He still managed to be everywhere, but he kept his distance.
When I was 14 there was a truck fire on the street. My friends and I all stood around and watched. I felt a hand on my shoulder, squeezing. Then his voice in my ear behind me whispered, “hello Karen, I haven’t seen you in a long time”… At first I froze. Then I turned to see him, wrestled his hand away, shouted “stay away from me!” and ran away as fast as my legs could carry me. After that, I told my best friend. I also told my mother. I told her everything. He stopped following me that day and I never saw him again. If only he knew that my mother stuck up for him. She told me I probably over reacted. She said it was probably nothing. She said he didn’t actually do anything.
On not being raped:
I was 15. He was a stranger I allowed myself to trust in a vulnerable moment. I’m not ready to tell this whole story yet, it’s very painful for me.
I escaped though.
I wasn’t raped.
I was pinned beneath him, my arms held down. He shoved his tounge in my mouth. He tried to smother me when I screamed. He tried to choke me. Said he’d 'go after my people’ if I didn’t co-operate. He fondled me through my clothes. He said he had a knife. I didn’t see it. He probably lied. I thought I was about to die. I fought like hell. I wasn’t going to die easily.
I can only imagine that I tired him. That he chickened out. Because all at once he just stopped and let me go. He said he was sorry.
I can still feel how violently I trembled after running away.
I escaped.
I wasn’t raped.
Since I felt I put myself in a bad position by trusting this person, I felt I’d be told I was at fault. I’d be told that he didn’t actually do anything.
So I didn’t tell anyone.
I carry immense survivor guilt or at least what I feel is a form of survivor guilt. I can’t help but feel that my silence could have led to others being violated by these monsters. Really molested. Really raped. Or worse. Especially with my non-rape… I feel I could have been the first he attempted. A dry run. A lesson learned maybe to be prepared for a fight. Like anything, I'm sure rape, rape takes a little practice.
These two pieces of my past are major contributing factors to my panic disorder and agoraphobia. My therapist thinks I have PTSD. And yet, nothing really happened to me.
So yeah Whoopi, I see your point. Rape, rape is really bad. Really inexcusable. Almost rape / statutory rape, you know not rape, rape is different somehow and clearly a grey area. (And I watched the footage - no one can tell me this was just you 'being clear on the charges").
Whoopi, as a woman, grandmother and human being, I think you need to recoil your comments from the other day. Unless you were aiming to be a tool, because if that's the case, you totally nailed it.
Polanski, Rape, Whoopi in All about me, Rape
Reader Comments (19)
you are so brave. i am so proud to have you as a friend.
Very powerful. You are so brave for sharing your truth...{HUGS}
Oh mama. You are survivor. You are strong. You are brave. We are here for you. Much love Karen. xoxoxo
You have a powerful voice. I am very proud of you for speaking out. HUGS!!!!
I agree with all the other comments that say that you are truly brave for writing this. It must have taken so much to write this - thank you so much for sharing it. Go GIRL!!!
much love to you. you are a brave soul. so brave.
I agree with everyone. You are brave to share your story. I am always awe struck by how vulnerable our children are -- and how predators are around every corner. I wish there was a way to protect them -- and to go back and protect the girls like you and me (and countless others) who fell prey to these people.
What an amazing and well written post. I didn't watch the view either... but I heard the sound bite played over and over again on my local radio station as I drove around yesterday... I was infuriated. Is it not rape if the consenting party is a CHILD? Thanks for bringing this to light.
Wow, you are very brave to tell your story. Thank your for your honesty. I am amazed by how many people are minimizing the importance of standing up and saying any unwanted contact is wrong. It is hard to be open about these kinds of things, but so important, as it brings awareness and healing to so many people.
I certainly feel for you Dear,and all you went though(I'm a 41yr old male)I was raised with 2 beautiful sisters.My Mother was brutaly beaten & raped before she met my Father(Till this day she will not tell who he was)he was let in their house by belive it or not,her overly protective Father let him in the front door,as he left for work.(Must have been a close family freind??)She was beaten,and raped allmost all day.Then she had 2 clean up the blood,and the mess.She got pregnant from it,and then misscarried while going to the restroom.I have seen the toll it has taken on her while rasing us.Now There are alot of great men and good Fathers.However there are terrible ones as well,that do horrifiying things to others.Thinking that are getting away with somthing,Thank you for speeking up I think all that have been bullied and terrorized in anyway should have their voice heard,I belive as there will 1 day be justace for all.
I'm so proud of you. This is exactly why any sort of clarification is POINTLESS. Being violated can happen in many ways...and the impact lasts forever.
Thank you! Thanks to all of you for the support you've shown here. It means so very much to me.
Thank you for sharing, so much.
Thanks.
Bravo to you Karen for speaking up and speaking out. xoxo
Brave, good woman. I'm so sorry... I had a near-miss once myself, and it's not an easy thing to carry around. Thanks for posting, and for sharing.
What a beautiful post.. You are a wonderful woman to share this with us. I am here from Manic Mother. I have a similar story of "not" being molested and "not" being raped. I was raised in the home of an abusive father (mentally and emotionally) and he did molest one of my sisters for sure. I have almost no clear memories of my childhood. My Psychiatrist says this is a form of protection, and it is ok that I do not remember. I ended up marrying an emotional abuser the first time around and it took me 8 years to finally get out!
Then I was "not" raped by a former intoxicated employer. I cannot tell the complete details due to the stipulations of the settlement... but I can say that he ONLY got 18 months probation, kept his wife and children, and I did not get paid nearly enough for the physical and mental medical issues that I am STILL suffering - PTSD, anxiety disorder, depression, spinal disorders (one surgery already one to go), disability, and much more.
I CANNOT imagine how women who actually go through a rape go on.
Thanks for sharing your story... I really wish I could post the entire story on my blog!
Achingly well written. I'm so sorry that happened to you - the scars from that never go away, do they? A friend of mine runs a website where survivors of rape and violence can speak out and it's amazing how many times I've read the feelings you've expressed here....
we have to learn to teach our daughters that these things are not their faults. That is snyone touches them, that they didn't do ANYTHING to provoke it.
I wish I knew how....
I ached reading these stories. I'm sorry the world has room for such evil, and that it happened on the path of an innocent little girl and a lovely young woman. Both of those people, you are so lovely, strong, and a hero for writing it down