The following was saved as a draft on August 6th:
I am going to be 40 in 311 days.
The BlogHer 2010 conference starts in 364 days. In New York!
Both of the above are facts. They also have caused me to think a great deal of late.
That in a nutshell is as far as I got on August 6th and I proceeded to ignore it for the next 5 days.
I've been ignoring it because I'm totally freaking out. I have wanted to do a bucket list of sorts for some time now. A list of things to accomplish before I'm 40, a list of lists to help me stay focused. There are things that need to be done, decisions to be made and action to be taken dammit. Once and for all, I'm actually going to kick procrastination in the ass and do rather than dream. I mean, as I've thought about this 'list'... I've realized that there are several items that I've been planning on nipping in the bud for 21 years for crying out loud.
Case in point:
At 18 I committed to lose some weight and get in shape. I wrote my goals and body stats in my hardcover "Vogue Book of Beauty" (Note: I just recently came across said book and complete with my scribbles and a date entry of August 12, 1988) I weighed a shocking 145, my measurements were a portly 38.5"-29"-39". I was utterly disgusted with myself. I should also note all of that sat on a 5'9" frame.
Do you have any idea how I'd like to reach back through the fabric of time and give my 18 year old self a huge slap in the face. I mean really! Youth really IS wasted on the young.
So I've been half assedly (it is so a word) trying to lose some weight and get in shape since 1988. Instead of success, I've gained a little bit more every year to become the really fat chick I never wanted to be. There was that one time in 1998/99 that I lost about 50 lbs, but I've since gained that back.
I really didn't want this post to be just about my fatness. Because I'm more than just a size and there is a huge list of reasons as to why I'm here at this point in my life; which brings me back to 'the list'.
I have read a number of inspiring bucket lists - a couple of my faves were a 40 by 40 list (sorry I can't remember who you are) and the 1001 project I found at Tantrums and Tequila. I plan on doing a list that elaborate soon, but I thought I need to cover the basics first and at least have 12 things - an average of 1 per month to do before I'm 40... (well, ok I'm going to be 40 in 10 months, so we'll say in time for BlogHer instead). Some of these require a little more defining... but if I can be content in these areas one year from now, then I will be one happy (and also hawt) 40 year old. I want my life to be exciting again. I'm so very tired of it suffocating me.
1. Finally find a way to permanently manage my anxiety and agoraphobia
2. Improve my health through exercise (weight loss would be a great side effect and even though I know that being healthy is more important, my heart will thank me if I can shed say... 70lbs.)
3. Improve my diet (This one's hard for me. I love food. We're besties. And I don't eat a lot of junk either)
4. Write more often. 2-3 posts a week would be a great start.
5. Spend more time on the things I love like photography
6. Spend more time with my family and be a better mother to my wonderful child
7. Really decide if I want to have another child and maybe DO something about that??
8. Establish a filing system that a.) I will actually use and b.) prevents me from being late with taxes every flipping year.
9. Be more patient and calm.
10. Drive somewhere by myself and be ok with being alone (see #1)
11. Improve my relationship with my husband. We're good... I just know we can be better
12. Go to New York (I really wanted to do this for my 40th long before the BlogHer announcement)
I know there are not a lot of exotic and exciting things on this list, but this list really represents what's broken with me. 40 is a big milestone and I don't want it to be foreboding. I want to embrace 40. I want 40 to be sexy, confident and ready to take on the world. Unlike my 18 year old self, I think these goals are healthy and realistic. They're goals that I hope my future 60 year old self will be proud of and not to mention thankful for. I'm also pretty sure she's hoping I'll be a tad more committed than I was at 18 too!