Baby Steps
Monday, June 8, 2009 at 9:49PM So I joined the local gym last week. Actually, it was the week before and I was so motivated, but then Chris aunt got sick and died all in one week and everything got put on hold.
So last week, last Monday, I rolled my fat ass into the gym and began what I hope to be my healthiest year yet. I turn 39 at the end of this week and my goal is to be in the best shape of my life by the time I'm 40.
Now starting an exercise program is an average kind of thing to do for most people. I've done it many times before in the past myself. Whatever... slacking off too much + eating too much = clothes getting too tight. Solution? Eat less, move more. Simple.
This time around though, things aren't as simple or as average as I'd like them to be. For over a decade, I've suffered from anxiety. Anxiety that I tried to combat with reason and logic. You know what reason and logic did for me? Cranked the anxiety up and morphed it into a panic disorder. With agoraphobia. You can read a little more about all of this here. I'm happy to say that I haven't had a full blown panic attack in years, but the residual agoraphobia and avoidance behaviours really have me stuck in a few areas of my life. Exercise is a big hurdle for me to get over. BIG. I recently (and tearfully) backed out of a hike with my husband and daughter because I couldn't handle the fears attached with the hike itself. I let myself down. I let my family down. That hurt and cut me deeply. What kind of mother frantically backs out of a WALK with her family? My poor almost 3 year old consoling me and saying "it's ok mama - c'mon let's go! And I still couldn't. I was frozen. Clearly, something needs to be done.
If you've ever had a panic attack or experienced anxiety, you understand the discomfort and fear that goes along with your racing heart. And that in a nutshell is why I have such an aversion to exercise. I KNOW it will help me, I KNOW I can totally DO this... but once my heart starts beating faster I can feel myself start to panic. Needless to say, I've been avoiding all manner of exercise for almost 4 years. Not good. I'm the heaviest I've ever been. I'm out of shape. With a capital "HOLY SHIT YOU'RE OUT OF SHAPE!" I really need to get past this or I will literally die from being afraid of cardio and how fucking lame is that?
So... I joined the gym. The gym people are helping me by creating a program just for me. I actually welled up telling the trainer guy at the gym what my damage is (and how fucking lame is THAT?)... he was really supportive though. Which I need. I'm focusing on cardio for now and weights should start soon. This is going to take a while - because in order for me to be successful, I need to take it slow. How slow? Here's an idea... (don't laugh at me):
Day one: Treadmill. Only managed to walk at the breakneck speed of 1.9 and no incline - I hope that makes sense - if it doesn't? It's fucking S.L.O.W. I walk faster than that standing in line at the grocery store. Whatever, I went and I stayed for almost an hour.
Day two. Treadmill again, but increased my speed to 2.5 and "allowed" my heart rate to get up to 118bpm.
Day three. Again, treadmill... 20 mins. BUT, I walked up to 3.1 and at a 1.5 incline. Heart rate? Up to 125! I then went on the rowing machine for 15 minutes.
And even though I haven't had a chance to get back yet - man this parenting thing really takes away from the me time - I am proud of myself and growing more confident in myself. I know I'm not really exercising yet... but I'm working up to it. I'm making positive changes in my life and that feels really good. Hopefully I'll keep it up. Hopefully, I'll be sweating buckets in a couple of weeks and most importantly, I hope to go on some long hikes with my little girl. She deserves that much. I deserve it too.
And please feel free to kick me in the ass if you see me on Twitter too much.
Reader Comments (7)
Girl you should be PROUD of yourself. You have gone out of your comfort zone and actually gone to the gym. That's more than I have done, and I don't have any reason for it. Well, besides lazy and twitter. You couldn't be more accurate with your title "Baby Steps" that's exactly what you should allow yourself and don't beat yourself down. That's what your friends and family are for. LOL. Keep up the progress and you will be asking yor little girl to go on hikes before you know it! (HUGS)
Oh dear lord, where do I even begin? I feel ya on this one.....SO BAD. I have very very very bad anxiety issues as well. And when I say bad, I mean I couldn't bring myself to step foot into a grocery store, bank, restaurant...or sometimes leave my apartment if would have to encounter anybody in the stairwell on my way out.
After a few years of things getting absolutely worse, I finally went to see a dr. about it, and was put on anti-anxiety meds. I've been on them a couple of years now, and am on the highest dose, along with a supplemental anti-anxiety pill. At first, I thought I was a failure for not fixing things myself, but now that I feel like an (almost) normal person....who cares?
So my advice to you is 1) get some help with this. You will be SO glad you did. Pills are a godsend, imo, and my quality of life would NOT be the same without them.
2) You are already on track by understanding that your fears are unfounded. That is a HUGE thing, and will help a lot towards overcoming the panic. And you are already doing it! Look at you, exercising 3 times and not giving up. That's awesome. Before my meds I wouldn't have been able to set foot in a gym b/c of the people. You are already doing it on your own. That in and of itself is something to be very proud of.
So, keep up with it. Once you get going, you will realize how amazing your body feels, and hopefully it will overcome the anxiety. If not, well, I strongly suggest getting some medicinal help. It works miracles.
Good luck!
I had my first panic attack earlier this year. Its been a rough 2009 and it all came ot a head a couple months back, right before I started to vent on Twitter. You will see lots of jokes early in my stream about twitter being my free form of Therapy due to the recession.
But I am not joking right now. You're honesty is admirable and you are doing fabulous. You're there, You're trying, You're progressing. Keep up the good work. (Maybe I'll get off my tookas and resume the exercise plan I gave up on) Uh, see, now you're inspiring too! 80)
GOOD FOR YOU! thanks for sharing this. you are so brave.
WOW. You definetly SHOULD be proud of yourself!! Even if you cant get to the gym consistantly, going when you can is a huge thing. I have membership and I NEVER go. And I AM on twitter too much. Which is silly because I have it on my phone so why not twitter from the gym? ;-)
I whipmed out and bought ahome treadmill so I wouldn't have to go to the gym. Congrats to you for taking the plunge!
Good for you - you ought to be very proud of yourself! Keep going!