Motherhood

All through my pregnancy I fully and wholly anticipated how this baby would need me. Need me for sustenance, care, love. I knew this baby would be dependant on me; knew this tiny person would rely on me for everything. I relished the thought and welcomed this uncharted territory of responsibility. I was going to be a mother. Me! A mother!

The moment she was born – I was transcended. I immediately discovered the depth and pureness of a mother’s love for her child. It is absolute magic. When I held her for the first time, I drank her in… devoured her with all my senses. I nuzzled her and inhaled her scent trying to find a way to make this tiny, perfect being; who came from me, to become more of a part of me. This was so unexpected; the completely overwhelming realization that I needed her as much as she needed me. I realized that my life hadn’t been complete until that very second. I realized that for the rest of my life, all my joys, sorrows and any emotion in between would be tied, connected and anchored to the nine pounds and twelve ounces of love filled life

that I gave birth to.

That feeling has only deepened as my baby has grown into a precocious toddler. I’m sure it will develop further as she grows up; which I must say is happening at a blazing pace. She is my world, my rock, my purpose in life. I feel enormous gratitude for her and I’m compelled to be the best mother I can possibly be for her; she deserves nothing less. Unfortunately, I make mistakes daily and often wonder if I’m even doing a good job. I feel like I’m flying by the seat of my pants and that I really have no clue what I’m doing.

I want her to make better decisions than I did in life and not take anything for granted. I want her to be compassionate and thoughtful; inquisitive and creative; I want her to be a good person. I want her to live a fulfilling and joyful life. I will do my best to shelter her from inevitable heartbreaks and disappointments; but more than that, I hope I can give her the right tools to brush herself off when she gets hurt and stand tall, proud and confident. For her, for me… I hope I can fake this motherhood thing well enough so that she grows up happy, confident and courageous enough to take on the world. When she does though… I hope there’s still a little part of her that will need me as much as I know I will still need her.

Tomorrow, when Grace *surprises* me with the bookmark she made at daycare and the little surprise that she and Daddy hid in the dining room (my child just can't wait to share secrets!) and showers me with breakfast in bed and sticky little kisses... I will thank her. Thank her for making me a mother and bringing me a joy undefined.

Comments

[Ali]

What a beautiful post! Happy Mother's Day!

[mpotter]

oh. wow.
i stumbled on you from "playgroups are no place for children". this post was beautiful.
i'm jealous.