A bit shaky, but I'm back. I hope.

I'm bypassing the mountain of painful drafts and getting back to my blog and the rest of my social networks with tentative optimism. 

The last 7 months have been a rough ride. Grief can be ugly. Especially when it keeps the company of depression. I have been in a dark, dark place. But I'm not ready to talk about that. What I do want to do, is nurture this sliver of light... this irredescent thread of hope I've happened upon; and strengthen it. It's fine and almost invisible, but I am holding on for dear life. If I'm right, by giving *this* all of my will, rather than just allowing the darkness to swallow me, I will climb out. I will come back to where I need to be. 

I don't need to know all the answers... I just need to believe I'm getting closer to fine. 

For those of you that have supported and encouraged me... I can't thank you enough. This song - especially the first verse up to the bridge - is for you. Your friendship and concern have kept me boyant. I'm sorry I haven't been able to reciprocate. I will soon. I will soon. I love you. 

Closer To Fine - Indigo Girls

I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shores. 

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine. 

I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a B-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper
And I was free. 

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine. 

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle, or possibly a friend
I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
and I went in seeking clarity. 

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
We go to the doctor, we go to the mountains
We look to the children, we drink from the fountains

We go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

The awful Thursday before Good Friday

I am having a horrible month. 

Today is for some reason, especially hard. Perhaps it was the realization that I am here in my home town and for the first time in my entire life, my mother isn't in it with me. 

Maybe it's because this is the first Easter without her and I really wanted to have lamb. We always had lamb. But I couldn't find any that looked nice enough, so I got a roast instead and it just feels wrong. 

I fought back tears all day while we were out. Now that I'm home, I can't stop crying. My husband seemed.... annoyed with me all afternoon and my child has been obnoxious - ironically not so mch today, but lately it has been far too often.

Sad doesn't begin to describe how I feel. I am still completely lost. 

I miss her so much. Every decision, every moment is either very painful or painfully devoid of anything resembling happiness. I wonder when it gets better, but worse, I worry that it won't. I worry that it will always feel like *this* when the greatest emotion I am capable of experiencing is crushing sadness. Everything else is just grey and so impossibly full of effort.